Things with no explination...

Life-

Does it have an explination? When something (most times) bad happen to people it is said "That's life"... Why is that? Why the need to blame life for something happened usually from people fault? The word "life" has no dictionary definition... not one for life as l"iving your life" or one for "proper living your life"... Life can be compared with different sayings in order to find a definition... "Life is a book of knowledge" or a book of how to achieve knowledge... "Life is a medley of reactions and emotions" or "Life is a mixture of movements and turns"... "Life is the garden of cultivated love and devotion"... "Life is a pact of survival between socialization and respect"...

The power of feeling-

How can you explain the power of feelings? The effect that feelings have on people, on their actions or on their whole life? Can you explain the power of love for instance? This above-ground feeling that makes you live a world of your own, a world in which all your goals have reached plenary... You feel more alieve in your life than anything else could ever try to replace this feeling... But... Why does this feeling which makes you powerful seems like a sign of weakness to others? Why is that? Why can't they feel happy for the simple fact that they see you glowing more than anyother moments of your life? It's like you always receive that same old sayings " That's not good for you.", "It's a bad sign." or "Be careful and cautious!". How can you explain this disharmony between the power that love gives to you and the sign of weakness that it is said to be? "Love is the need to get out of yourself."(and to light up the best part in us)... "To love means to transform, to be a poet." (a way to express yourself for the world to understand and not judge anymore)...."To love means to want, to see, to touch, to feel, with all your senses at once." (an above-ground feeling)... "To love means searching for half of the whole you used to be a part of. "(a part without you cannot live)...

Seeing-

The "to see" has many translations... To see- witness, observ, meditating, reflect... But what about the way of seeing things? That old mith of "two watching the same thing, but seeing two different things"... How is that to be explained? Many would say simple: "there are two different people, with different personalities, way of thinking and so on"... Why can't two see something as for what that something really is? For instance, two watch a third and see totally different "faces" of the third one...One may see something irrational heart-melting and the other may see another one between the thousand as itself... What's the explination?

Hard to write... "Screaming for trueness words"

What’s the difference between trusting the words and reality in fact? Are there times when these concure? Living in the trust of the words and being hit by the real situation can sometimes pull you down... What’s you’re reaction then?
I was told that I was digging too much in thoughts... but in this world of loving, trusting... How could you not dig in? How could you not be wondering or be uncertain when the words do not fit with reality? Clearly, in that situation, questions come to you...
A saying of „having the truth told in your face is more endurable than seeing it for yourself” is something completely true. It is something that anyone cand demand to have. And those are true feelings, honest opinions, sincere and unmistakable decisions. I don’t want to be in the situation of „creating a world” based on trusty words and then to awake and find out that reality is different and you were cheated...
I don’t want to be that girl... Something that I’ve learned living it myself is that well-known saying „ What does not kill makes you stronger”. I like to believe that I’m strong enough to receive any kind of news,feeling or decision...

„I don’t wanna be the girl that has to feel the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth...”

I can say that my most nasty fears are silence and the „I don’t want to discuss about it” saying in the look of the other...

In this world of me and you
I am having humble hopes
But in the silence that are you
Changes now those hope course.

I just need your conveyance
For me to know what to do
But when I feel your absence
My mind is screaming „I’m here too”.

Love hurts... reality strikes....

Words, promises, words again... and contrary facts...
How does that make you feel?
Does it matter anyhow? :|
Is it dissapointment or an arousal to reality how this contradiction makes you feel? The fact that what are you living everyday isn’t true... What is that? Fantasy, a story or just illusions?
Fighting in the name of love can bring out a powerful warrior, but cannot bring with it the certainty of victory... and that’s because all the interferences that come along the way... But for that love, for that above-ground feeling you can use all ways of defence, all ways to give proof of being worth...
Do you believe in faithful love? I do! If it’s shared... The most important of all is your love to be shared... Then is when everything is utterly perfect... To love, share, live together... One for the other... 2 in 1...
And usually, harm comes when nature most builts pure life especially for you... Then... Questions start to rip and tear your mind, body and soul... Your whole entity... Why did this happen? What have I done? Wasn’t I good enough? How can I survive? Don’t you realise the consequences? Do you even care?... And you look to your beloved silence... And the world spins around and fire starts burning inside you... „Say something!!!”


I want to believe that everything’s true
That is perceptible me and you.
Please, tell me it’s a nightmare,
And that you do really care.

And when your arms warm me up
Then so if then I ask
„Are you leaving me?” say -„Ever not”
Do not want to wear a mask.

And when you think life’s tumbling down
I show you that new one’s building now.
So when I say „Beibi, I love you!”
You can sincerly say „I love you, too!”

„Breath taking memories and humbles wishes”

Unexpected „Hi. Nice to meet you”, those „first” in everything, breathless first kiss, frozen-hearted first break up, the sweet and memorable after break up first make up, that first touché „I love you!”, moments, nights spent togehter, words and feelings showed to each other, situations of „I’m here for you!”, a smile, a kiss, a touch, a look, an word, anything of what makes two an „us”... breath taking memories...
Loving can be the best thing that happens... it can bring you to the highest altitude one could see, but it can trample rough-shod over you drowning you deeper and deeper into dark... love can be everithing: the morning awake smile that makes the day sunnier and warmer as you lighen others day... it can be that wind as the sound of your peaceful soul wandering in an usual world making from „beautiful”- „miraculously wonderful”... it can be that push from behind that can change your life...the step that normally you wouldn’t make...
All these makes one feel worth living...makes one alieve...
But what happens in this mixture of breath taking memories when you find out that these feelings are not at the same intensity as yours? When you realise that your determination of fighting for your love even against everybody else can be, in his eyes, in front of the first hitch, the decision of forsaking love? What happens then? Where does that lead you?
I’ve learned that priorities in ones life are hierarchical... It can happen that in ones life you can be on a lower level than someone or something else... and this can make one back off and thrown you somewhere behind... And in ones decision the worst part is that you are allowed to do nothing... And sadly to say this, you are wiling for humble and humble wishes just so you cannot see everything you built tumbling down...

Sweet illusions thrown out to the window.... Reality brought me down to Earth with a bump... An old lesson that I cannot learn...

"Sunetul singuratatii"

Initial, lucrare pentru un examen, un scenariu coregrafic... iar la indemnul unor persoane, m-am gandit sa-l impartasesc... enjoy...si astept parerile voastre

Tabloul 1


Amurgul unei zile de toamna. Covorul de frunze din gradina pustiita devine gazda Ioanei si sufletului ei macinat de singuratatea ce o inconjoara.

„Ia loc, Singurătate!
E frig în această viaţă de imagini şterse
Exil nostalgic, cetate episcopală ne-a prins
Tesem pânza clipei mohorâte rembrandiind ca-ntr-o stampă
Avem deasupra stele, dedesubt întrebări
Suntem împovărate de ceaţă uneori de cîte un zbor
Sub poarta inimii, sub ninsoarea ei
Ochii proptiţi de aer ploape
Intre cuvinte, norii cu ochi
Vii ne poartă la tâmpla
Unui cer îngândurat.

Ia loc, Singurătate!
Nu suntem singure pe câmpiile de gheaţă, o lume
De lacrimi se stinge sub gânduri arhi-tectonice eterne
Ca şi moartea piramidei, o tristă
Privire ne-apasă, ne frânge!
Aprindem lumânări”

Imaginile vietii alaturi de ceilalti devenisera siluetele unor obiecte sterse, intetosate. Astfel, Ioana incepe sa rupa toate acele imagini neclare, respingand si ea la randul ei ideea de a fi inconjurata de lume.

„N-am ştiut că floarea amară a singurătăţii are, atunci când o atingi de obraz, sunetul unor paşi care pleacă.”
Cunoscand singuratatea, aceasta accepta plecarea celeilalte persoane, astfel creand o lume noua. O lume in exil, plina de intrebari care asteapta raspuns, o lume mohorata, intunecata. Cunoscand astfel singuratatea, Ioana nu o considera o victorie inaintea celorlalti, ci un naufragiu personal. In peisajul morbid, aprinde lumanari pentru a pastra, prin lumina lumanarilor, o legatura cu lumea reala. Gaseste in singuratate prietenul ce o intelege, ii impartaseste durerea, o consoleaza, dar nu ii da raspunsuri.
Pentru inceput compasiunea ii ajunge, inca nu vrea raspunsuri. Vrea doar sa se descarce si sa sufere in liniste. Ioana vede in acest exil un mod de aparare fata de cei din jur, un scut ce o fereste de a fi ranita mai mult decat e. Dragostea neimpartasita a adus-o in apogeul suferintei, astfel fiind impinsa spre o decizie ce avea sa ii aduca bine mai tarziu, dar care pe moment i-a facut cunostinta cu singuratatea. Prima concluzie spre indreptarea lucrurilor in viata ei a fost aceea de a prefera sa fie regina peste singuratate decat sluga in dragoste.
Cu astfel de ganduri si-a creat Ioana universul singuratatii. Intr-o liniste asurzitoare, o muzica sumbra ce corespundea durerii din sufletul ei, intr-o seara ce sa revarsa asupra covorului de frunze pe care ea a poposit.


Tabloul 2
(Visul)


„Singurătatea este o grădină în care sufletul se usucă, florile care cresc în ea n-au parfum”

„M-am intors. Imi pare rau. Vreau sa imi indrept greseala. Mai da-mi o sansa. Te iubesc!”
Regretul lui Andrei ca a pierdut-o pe Ioana prin comportamentul lui il face sa vrea sa-si indrepte greseala facuta. Astfel se intoarce la ea incercand sa primeasca o a doua sansa.
„Cu timpul ranile se vindeca, dar cicatricile raman adanc imprimate in suflet” – era singurul raspuns pe care il putea gasi Ioana. Nu stia daca merita sa-i mai dea o sansa. Odata ce cunoscuse singuratatea, Ioana considera ca aceasta ar fi fost calea de a-si putea reveni din dezamagire si metoda prin care se putea redescoperi. Nu stia daca era pregatita sa paraseasca aceasta lume noua pe care ea o coordona.
Hotaraste sa lase timpul si actiunile lui Andrei sa o ajute sa ia o decizie care sa-i schimbe din nou viata. Alaturi de Andrei apar si cele trei foarte bune prietene ale ei bucuroase ca, in sfarsit, o revad pe Ioana. Prietene care in momentele ei cele mai dureroase, momente in care se simtea singura fara voia ei si suferea, momente in care avea nevoie de macar una dintre ele pentru a-i fi alaturi, niciuna dintre ele nu a venit s-o sprijine. De ce ar merita ele sa beneficieze de atentia ei? De ce ar fi privilegiate? Cand ele nu au stiut de existenta ei in momentele grele.
„Hai cu noi! Hai sa mergem sa ne ocupam tot timpul impreuna, ca in vremurile bune!”
„Ca-n vremurile bune? Si-n vremurile grele? Atunci unde sunteti? Atunci nu trebuie sa fim impreuna?”
Ioana constientiza ca aceea nu era o prietenie adevarata si considera ca venise momentul adevarului. Adevar ce nu a fost acceptat de cei patru care au preferat s-o respinga din viata lor decat sa-si indrepte greselile.
Momentul respingerii s-a concretizat intr-o vijelie intunecata si friguroasa pret de cateva secunde dupa care totul s-a oprit. Natura a amutit, timpul parca se oprise, iar tot ce Ioana auzea si vedea erau siluetele sterse ale prietenilor ei care ii aruncau vorbe pe care nu le intelegea, insa constientiza ca era respinsa. Vocile lor deveneau ascutite ca niste tipete urmate de sunetul deja cunoscut al pasilor care pleaca.
Si dintr-o data s-a luminat, s-a trezit tipand si tremurand in aceeasi gradina parasita, pe acelasi covor de frunze de toamna.
„Singurătatea e soarta spiritelor superioare”
Acest vis a facut-o sa realizeze faptul ca ea era la un nivel mai inalt decat ceilalti si astfel pretentiile ei trebuiau sa fie mult mai ridicate.


Tabloul 3
(Desprinderea)

Gradina devenise locul de pace, momentul de respiro din lumea prea rapida. Ioana petreceea cea mai mare parte a zilei acolo, scriind poezii ce sufletul i le dicta, punand intrebari si asteptand raspunsuri ce nu mai veneau. Nu intelegea de ce aceasta singuratate era asa linistita, calma si rabdatoare, dar nu putea sa-i vindece ei durerea si nu ii dadea raspunsurile de care aceasta avea nevoie.
„De ce nu pot gasi raspunsuri?”, „De ce oamenii incearca sa fie ceea ce nu sunt si in final dezvaluie adevarata lor fata?”, „Cum pot face durerea si aceste rani sa dispara?”, „Oare voi reusi vreodata sa redevin persoana ce eram odata?”. De ce? Cat? Cand? Cum? Oare? Astfel de intrebari ii umpleau mintea Ioanei. Neputand gasi raspunsuri la aceste intrebari concluziona ca a ei ar fi vina pentru aceasta tacere cat si pentru situatia in care se afla.
Astfel se razbuna pe ea insasi considerand ca nu era destul de buna pentru Andrei sau pentru prietenele ei si ca merita sa sufere pentru insuficinta ei ca persoana.
Poeziile ei ajunsesera morbide, toate ideile ii erau negativiste, iar ea se izolase definitiv de tot ceea ce insemna viata cotidiana. Gradina devenise refugiul ei. Nimeni si nimic nu o deranja sau o perturba de la gandurile ei.
Talentul i se dezvolta doar in singuratate.

Tabloul 4
(Sfarsit)

Ziua in care gradina si-a luat adio de la compania Ioanei a fost ziua in care acolo a aparut o noua casa. Astfel a fost nevoita sa-si duca singuratatea in alt lacas. Si s-a izolat in camera sa.
Dar lucrurile se schimbasera. Nu mai era la fel ca in gradina in care petrecuse atata timp. Nu mai putea scrie poezii, nu-si mai gasea asa numita „liniste” ci doar simtea durerea de dinainte si nu-i gasea niciun motiv.
Nici acea „prietenie” a singuratatii nu o mai gasea. Simtea doar durere. Acea singuratate devenise o parte din ea. Insa Ioana nu mai vroia sa traiasca in aceasta singuratate. Vroia sa redevina persoana care era inainte.
„Nimeni nu e singur pe pământ,
Cineva în grija lui îl are,
Nici cei singuri - singuri nu mai sunt
Dacă are umbră fiecare.”
Astfel, Ioana incearca sa reintre in lumea din jurul ei pe care a ignorat-o atata timp. Numai ca nu se mai regasea in aceasta lume. Tot ce o putea face a se simti vie erau cosmarurile sterse in care auzea vocile ce o respingeau si durerea sufleteasca. Nu mai putea gasi o cale de comunicare cu lumea din jur, o cale de a redeveni ea. Nu gasea decat singuratatea ce ii era atat de prezenta in viata.
Vroia sa scape de ea, vroia sa auda si altceva decat acele voci, vroia ca imaginile sale sa redevina clare insa nu reusea. Gasea alinare in lacrimi, in idei negativiste si in imaginile sterse.
„Vroiam macar ca cineva in aceasta lume sa ma inteleaga si sa incerce sa ma ajute sa scap de ceea ce nu vroiam sa devina parte din mine. Vroiam doar o viata normala”
Trupul Ioanei a fost gasit in fata noii case, locul ce inainte fusese exilul ei, gradina pustiita cu un covor de frunze de toamna...
„În singurătate e nevoie de o dragoste sporită pentru a supravieţui”
Se pare ca Ioana nu a gasit acea dragoste...